Parents often struggle with misbehaviour, temper tantrums, miscommunication, or other challenges when raising kids. Sometimes parents may even feel like a broken record – having to remind kids over and over to use their manners or sit up straight or…insert desired behaviour.
Many times as a parent I have thought something along the lines of “You should know better! I’ve told you a hundred times!” This was before I learned about a key difference between a child’s brain and an adult brain: rational thinking.
As grown ups, parents have the benefit of a rational and logical, mature brain. Children don’t.
The human brain stem – the old brain – comes pre-wired with instinctual responses such as the fight or flight response. These instinctual responses cannot be unplugged or eliminated. Their job is to ensure the body remain safe and protected at all times. So that if you’re standing in the way of an automobile you will move out of its way. Or if you have a tennis ball flying at you you automatically shield your face and close your eyes.
The human brain also has a new component that has evolved more recently, relatively speaking, and that makes up the logical and reasoning portion. This is where our beliefs, behaviours, attitudes, and other learned emotional reactions from our life experiences are processed. This part of the brain doesn’t actually start to mature until we are in our mid teens. So as kids, we process all information through the lens of instinctual protection that’s hard wired into us.
This is why as a parent I no longer assume that my kids know better.
Scientists say that it takes an average adult 21-28 days of repetition to form a new habit. And sometimes our willpower is not strong enough to make us stick with it that long. Parents have their rational brain matured and still have trouble learning to do things the new way. It may take a child much longer to learn the rules and boundaries to the point where they become habits.
Children learn mainly by modeling their parents, not by listening to them. So if our the parent’s own behaviour and words don’t match the child will be very confused and will most likely follow what the parent does – not says.
Of course children also must find their own place in the world and will push parents’ boundaries – this is a natural part of their growth and development. Children will be influenced by peers at school, teachers, and others and will bring home behaviours and language that they didn’t learn from their parents. Children are more apt to turn out as responsible, ethical and authentic adults if parents don’t just assume they know better than to use those undesirable words or behaviours and be loving and good role models – gently guiding the kids to learn problem solving skills and effective communication.
As a parent you have to examine your own behaviour and communication in a truthful way if you’re having difficulty with your child. Remember, you are the most likely source of the misbehaviour or back talk.
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