‘The times, they are a-changing’, but the winds of change now blow a different way. Rather than struggling for independence, many young adults are choosing to live with their parents in the family home. Some return after college or after setbacks in relationships or careers. Some have never lived away from a parent’s home. Various designations for these young people exist. They are known as ‘boomerang kids’ and ‘nesters’. Talk show hosts give plenty of advice to middle-aged parents whose children have ‘failed to launch’, admonishing them for smothering their offspring with too much loving care.
The negative stereotype of the freeloading son or daughter is often far from the true situation. In many cases it makes good sense for multiple generations to live under the same roof. With mutual respect, shared responsibility, and clear communication, such a living situation can be rewarding for all concerned.
Adult children may continue living with parents or move back into the family home for a variety of reasons. Financial considerations are among the most frequent motivators for living with mom and dad.
The high cost of tuition and the current tight job market create a double whammy for new grads. With thousands of dollars in student loans to repay and only entry-level job prospects, people entering the job market quickly realize that it will take a long time to pay off their debts. Moving in with parents and living rent-free, or paying a modest monthly rent, speeds up the payment plan tremendously. Even those without large debts and those who have enjoyed full-time employment can face the unpleasant realities of downsizings and business closures. When they find themselves with no income to pay for rent, utilities, and groceries, it makes sense to move back home and find a safe platform from which to launch the next job search.
Some young adults move back to the family home when a marriage or relationship ends. When a two-income twosome becomes a solo effort, people often discover that ends just don’t meet. In addition, living with family takes the edge off the loneliness that follows the end of a relationship. To be sure, being under the same roof with parents and siblings lacks the freedom and excitement of living on your own, but being with family who offer understanding and concern means a lot.
For others, moving out on their own doesn’t seem like the best option. Multiple generational living is the norm in many cultures, and some children of immigrants choose to continue that pattern. Sometimes parents and children are simply happy being a family and sharing a home, and they see no reason to change the arrangement just because the children are eighteen, twenty-one, or older.
The trend toward adult children living with their parents is not necessarily a negative one, however, clear ground rules by which everyone agrees are a must if two generations of grown-ups are to share a home successfully. These rules include agreements on financial contributions to the household expenses, sharing of housekeeping chores and other matters of day-to-day upkeep for the home, use of family vehicles, privacy, use of tobacco and alcohol, visits from friends and quiet hours, entertainment, religious observation, and a targeted move-out date.
Clear agreement on everyone’s financial commitment is absolutely necessary. If parents expect children to pay rent they must say so, and specify the amount and when it must be paid. Children who have income should not be a financial burden on their parents. On the other hand parents should realize that the young adult is paying debt and saving for the future, so if the son or daughter finds better employment or gets a raise that should not automatically signal an increase in the amount of rent they pay, unless there is a prior agreement regarding that. After all, landlords are not permitted to increase rents whenever tenants make more money. Young family members need the opportunity to get ahead.
Most boomerang kids appreciate having parents prepare meals and take care of other home chores. When the young adults are working hard at school or a job, supportive parents are usually happy to provide home-cooked meals and help with laundry and errands. The reverse must also hold true. Kids who have free time during the day should be ready to pitch in with cooking, cleaning, laundry, lawn care, and shopping. At the very least, they should keep their belongings from cluttering shared areas, do their own laundry, and clean their own bathrooms and kitchen messes. There may be nothing that whittles away at parental adoration faster than cleaning up after a six-foot man with the appetite of a young bear and housekeeping standards to match. When adult children have children of their own, child-care responsibilities must also be agreed upon.
The young adult may return to the home with her own car, which makes getting around easier for everyone. When income is slim, however, insuring and maintaining the vehicle may be difficult. This is another area that must be openly discussed until agreement is reached. Parents may be more willing to pay their child’s insurance costs than to share their own cars. In some cases, the young adult will just have to find alternative transportation, such as the bus, subway, or a bicycle, until they can afford the expense of their own vehicle. Sharing a family car demands absolute reliability, so that no one is left stranded because another family member has not returned or arrived at the designated pick-up location on time. Each driver needs to be conscious of fuel costs, as well. The car that is returned on time with an empty tank is of little use to a driver who can’t afford to fill up until the next pay day. Communication and cooperation among all drivers will help make sure that everyone gets where he needs to be.
Privacy issues are tricky when multiple generations share a home. Young adults may have been accustomed to a level of freedom that is not appreciated by their parents. As difficult as it may be to accept, children must understand that even when they pay rent they must abide by house rules. Ideally, parents will also accept the fact that their children are adults, and as such are entitled to make their own decisions regarding behavior, within reason. When young and old are miles apart in their estimation of what behavior is reasonable, it may be best to target a closer move-out date so that everyone can get back to a comfortable lifestyle as soon as possible.
Rules for use of tobacco and alcohol should be the same for adult children as for other adults in the home. If guests are required to retire to the porch or patio to smoke, it is considerate for sons and daughters to do the same. However, if older adults may smoke or enjoy alcoholic beverages, adult children must be afforded the same privileges. If alcoholism is present, family members have a right to intervene out of concern. Tobacco and alcohol issues can be touchy ones, because they can become a battleground in which parents declare, “When you live in my house, you’ll obey the rules I set for you,” while the kids rejoin, “I’m old enough to make my own decisions.” The answer to the dilemma lies in between. When grown people love and respect one another, they go out of their way to accommodate, even though they may disapprove or be inconvenienced.
The apartment of a young adult may be open to friends at all hours of the day or night, but parents might not enjoy the same open-door policy for their home. Ground rules should include entertainment hours, areas of the home that are open to visitors, and use of kitchen facilities and food while entertaining. Parents don’t want to be invaded, and their children don’t want stringent rules that cramp everybody’s style and send friends scurrying away. The primary rule for entertaining is always the same. Hosts and guests must show mutual respect and appreciation. It also helps when the young adults offer to give mom or dad a go at the video game, or when parents who are hosting friends hand their ‘nester’ a refreshment, and invite them to join the conversation. All guests, young and older, will soon realize that they are visiting a multi-generational family, and they may enjoy such a visit more than they would have thought. In regard to video games and other entertainment, the amount, loudness, and nature of entertainment should be kept at a comfortable level for everyone who is at home. Family members who like to crank up the volume can be considerate enough to wait until peace and quite lovers are elsewhere.
Observation of religion can be another difficult area for parents and their adult children to reconcile. It is a happy situation when all family members enjoy attending services together on a regular basis. However, clashing religious beliefs in a household can cause a great deal of anguish and bitterness. If grandchildren are involved, grandparents may have a hard time accepting that they are being raised with different religious beliefs from those of the extended family. Everyone concerned must decide how much compromise can be tolerated. This is another issue that should be considered honestly by both parties when young adults are deciding whether or not living with parents will be a workable arrangement.
In most multi-generation living arrangements, there is an understanding as to whether and when the young adults will move out on their own. Parents need to be able to plan for the future, and children need to plan for their own independence. A timetable for an eventual move-out also helps by giving the young adult additional motivation for paying off debts, finding employment, and becoming self-reliant.
Multi-generational living can be satisfying for all concerned. At its best, such a living arrangement nurtures a new, broader relationship between parents and children as they learn to relate to one another as friends and fellow adults. Boomerangers and their families come to appreciate each other in surprising ways as their roles change and their futures unfold. The boomerang experience may turn out to be a great blessing, strengthening family ties and forming fond memories of the good times that were shared.
Brenda Layman is a freelance writer who lives in Pickerington, Ohio, with her husband of 29 years, Mark. She is a fishing enthusiast (fanatic?) who firmly believes in the healing power of the human spirit. When she is not on the water or in the woods, Brenda spends her time writing for Greenmaple Wellness Inc. and Ohio Valley Outdoors magazine. Brenda is also the author of Song of Joy, a Guide to Recovery from Sorrow.
Brenda is also a regular contributor to the Fitness Town Health & Wellness On-line E-zine. For more great articles like this one, please visit here and sign-up to receive our free newsletter once per month.
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